Without her...?

I know God put us on this Earth for a purpose and just as quickly as we come into the world we are taken. When I think about grandparents I picture them being really old, which is why I struggle with death. I cant accept that my mother will die. I wish God would let me be selfish for once and give my mom life for 50 more years. Why is it hard for us to accept death? I spent time with my mother yesterday... it was a good day. She was her usual happy self and it made me happy to see her in good spirits. But driving home on the freeway I began to break down and cry. I hate feeling vulnerable and fragile. It makes me hate the people who have mothers and take them for granted. We simply dont realize how much they are worth. I realized this last night... or should I say it reality hit me hard last night. I realized how I never took the time to get to know my mother. I didnt know who she really is... or goals she wanted to achieve... or the dreams she gave up for us. I didnt know her story. Realizing this hurt because I cant make up for lost time. So here I sit, feeling like the sand is running out because only God knows his plan for us. I hope who ever reads this blog realizes how lucky they are to have thier mom in his or her life. Cherish each moment and stop to think about what life would really be like without her...?

I Wish...

I wish I could tell you mom all the things I feel inside... I wish I could tell you how much I love you. How much I wish I could make the pain go away. I wish I could discover the cure to cure you of cancer. I wish I could. Today I had an arguement with grandma because for months I've been telling everyone that my mother is not well. She's not getting better. We need to do something. We need to find options... that wasn't happening until now. I hate hearing your fragile voice on the phone. I hate the fact you don't eat as much and you've gotten sooo skinny. They have you on oxy cotin for the pain and your always sleeping. I can't tell you how a piece of me dies each time I hear you in pain. I promise mom, I will find a way... like I've said before, I will not stop fighting until for your life until your heart stops beating. This I swear. I love you mom. I will find a way. I love you.

Where's the Cure?

Every year I fundraise money to help find all these cures for cancer. So far it has been 9 years and after all the countless money donated and raised still there is no cure. I guess you can say I'm upset because my mother is in the hospital because she has been suffering from pains. Turns out the cancer is lingering in her liver and is not allowing everything to filter as it should. You could say its blocked and they have to create a new pathway. She is now on oxycontin and I fear this to be a cruel indictor thats she's not doing as well she should. God bless her she waits until the end of my night to tell me so I can still enjoy my day. She knows me too well, she knows how this breaks my heart. Jerry found me partially under my bed crying and did his best to give me words of encouragement. My babies tucked me into bed and told me if grandma has an ouchie then we should put a bandaid to make it all feel better. If only it were that simple. My babies got in bed with me because they hate to see me cry. I only look at them and it breaks my heart because someday I'll have to explain to them what this all means. I dont want to tell them all about who thier grandma was, I want them to know her and enjoy her. But yet there is no cure and it makes me loose faith with these organizations. Are they really fighting for us? Or are they taking advantage of us at our vulnerable state? I can't understand how many more lives do we have to sacrafice to find a cure? I know my mom is a tough cookie but it feels like torture seeing someone be slowly have the life in them be drained. Its different when its unexpected because you can't see it happen, where when you foresee it you know one day you will get a call. Thats what I'm dreading... that call. I honestly think I'll end up in a really depressive state. What person wouldn't? My mom is a part of me that would make my heart become an empty room. I can't imagine my life without my mother. She's my world and without her I would only feel lost with no direction. The very idea makes me sick in my stomach. So where's her cure? How can we save her life? Racing isnt going to cure her, but these organizations better be doing something because if not what are we fighting for?

Something to think about

I told my mom I talked to Dr. Marc. She was happy to hear from him, but also told me not to under estimate her doctor. I get that she has an awesome doctor, who is always on her A game. However, I told her there is nothing wrong with being educated. She says these studies are all talk, which okay some seem that way. But it's still hope that something is being done. I told my mom that we need all the information and education we can get, because that day will come where we will need to look into other options for treatment and when that day comes, I want to be ready. I know she thinks I'm looking or reading too much into this, but how can I not? She's my mother and she's sick. God bless my mom for letting me ramble my ideas with her. I don't know how she puts up with me sometimes, but I'm glad she does. I love you mom just in case your reading this :)
P.S I have decided to go back to my psychologist to learn how to better deal with my mother and her having ovarian cancer. So these posts going forward should become more enlightening and entertaining as I attempt to wrap my head around the many ways to look at this situation. Stay tuned for more fun :)

Phone Tag Part I Completed...

Finally got in touch with Dr. Marc! He's such an amazing doctor. Though he could not give me any new info on treatments, he did offer to look into it and let me know once he asked around. As always, his prayers are with my mother. It's funny how to some doctors you are just another number. But to those who truley care, you are more than just a number. Dr. Marc is a part of our family even though we are not related he has our back. This is why he's always booked and busy. Depsite this, I willingly wait as many hours as I need to, or book in like 2 months in advance to see him. Why you may ask? The answer is simple. There is no other doctor who takes the time to check up to see how we are when he is off duty. He remembers all those small details. To doctor Marc we are not a number we are a life with a story. This is why myself and everyone else who is a patient of his is willing to wait 2 hours to see him and/or book in advance. As crazy as this may seem, good doctors are hard to find. And the best thing about him is that he never forgets where he came from. I have run into him from the Costco food court to the Ralphs supermarket. Costco was a shocker because he's a doctor and he has money. He could afford to eat anything. Instead he opts to eat there. He's also a doctor who loves his job. I personally could not do it, but that's why they pay him the big bucks. :) And he never stops advertising abstinence. He has a sperm sticker on his SUV that says "It only takes one" What can I say, he's Dr. Marc and he's truely one of a kind. My mother and I are grateful that he is in our lives helping in any way he can. Thank you Dr. Marc if you ever read this, my mother and I will never be able to repay the kindness and prayers you have given us. You are definately the best OB/GYN doctor in the world hands down. Most of all, you are truely an angel. Next on my list for phone tag... Dr. Burnette :)

Phone tag

Dr. Marc called me back yesterday! He has good news for me... so lets see if he's the answer to my prayer. As of now, we are still playing phone tag. More to come...

Love is

Love is patient, love is kind, love endures all things, hopes all things, believes all things, love conquers all. I've heard this mainly with romantic relationships, but I think it can be used for all types of relationships. When I think of this common phrase, I think of all the love a mother has for her daughter. Having a daughter of my own, I know how it feels to have your daughter look at you with such amazement. It's the same look I give my mother when she endures chemo. I think about how if that were me going through it, I don't think I would have latest as long as my mother. She has a high pain tolerance, where I do not. I wish at times I was more like her. I admire and cherish all she has taught and given me. This was the first christmas she bought me a present. Usually we don't because its all about the kids, but this year she surprised me. Its those surprises that reassure me her love is always with me. Despite any regrets, love endures a lot. My one regret is always having to be strong in front of her, when I really feel like curling up in a ball in her lap like I did when I was a child. Its the hardest thing not to cry in front of someone. I wish I could cry to her and tell her how much it hurts me to see her in pain. But I cannot, because its what I've been forced to believe by family. A moment of weakness will worry her. I can only believe and hope that at the end love will conquer over ovarian cancer.

Mother's keeper

I finally saw the movie My Sister's Keeper, I admit I've been avoiding it because it would remind me of the pain my mother's pain. Which it did it reminded me of how my mother sounded yesterday after chemo. She tries so hard to be strong even when she's in pain. I'm glad I watched it. Lately I've felt as if I've been falling apart, because no matter who I call no one calls me back. The movie also gave me a glipse of what a donor actually goes through. I didn't realize the extent of being a donor, but 6 days to recover vs giving my mother more time to live is worth anything I would have to endure. At the end, the sister says she thought her purpose in life was to save her sister, but at the end she realized she was blessed to have had a sister. That line struck me so hard I had to rush into my bathroom, lock the door, and sobb uncontrollably to the point where you begin to want to throw up. After going through a box of tissue, I realized I am fortunate to have a wonderful, strong, confident mother. Which is why I refuse to let her go. I can't imagine living without her. You could say I'm Cameron Diaz' character. I refuse to stop trying. I know the day will come when my mom will tell me she's ready and its time to say goodbye, but until that day I will not stop fighting and trying. I'm my mother's keeper and I will have hope that a miracle will happen. A cure will be found and save her life. My mother's keeper I am, my mother's keeper I will always be.

Food for thought...

I had a conversation with my uncle from Kansas about cancer. His wife (my aunt) has breast cancer, my grandma and him couldn't understand how my mother could have gotten diagnosed with ovarian cancer at the age of 33. All types of cancer run in our family history. But its hard to accept it when someone has it at the prime of thier life. I made the comment that our food has a lot to do with so many diseases in the world. We are what we eat. We eat food with steroids, chemicals, preservatives over the course of our entire life. I think its because of our food we end up so sick. I dont know if that is correct its just my opinion. But I learned some interesting facts last night from my uncle about slaughter houses, what cows, pigs, and chickens eat. But I'm happy we share similar opinions on how much the food we eat impacts us. I wish I could go more into details but I'm sure I'll offend someone, so I rather leave it as food for thought and for those who read this to make thier own opinion. Makes me grateful that I've changed most of my eating habits to organic, gluten free, vegan, and vegitarian. Still working on changing my mom's eating habits, but she's warming up to it. I can't reverse the damage that has been done, but I can do all I can to repair it. Wish I could go more into details about the food we eat, but I rather you decide. I'll post some links soon so you see for yourself as well as the dangerous effects of it as well.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa, I do not ask for much this Christmas. All I ask for is to give my mother a bill of good health. Please give us good news and let her be in remission so she can continue to live a normal life. I've done good deeds that I wish I could cash in if it meant it would make her cancer free. Even if it means I could never ask for anything else for the rest of my life. This is all I want. I want her live to be 100, which I know she will argue on that. Can't hurt to ask. Yours truly, Shelly Eli :)

God at work

I meant to post this yesterday when it happened but got sidetracked lol. It looks like both God and Buddha have heard my prayers and meditations. I met an older man while waiting at sam's club who have a wealth of knowledge about stem cell research and even attended seminars at UC Irvine. It was interesting because he gave me an inch of hope and something to look forward to. I can only hope it will be soon.

God at work

I meant to post this yesterday when it happened but got sidetracked lol. It looks like both God and Buddha have heard my prayers and meditations. I met an older man while waiting at sam's club who have a wealth of knowledge about stem cell research and even attended seminars at UC Irvine. It was interesting because he gave me an inch of hope and something to look forward to. I can only hope it will be soon.

Family

When I was a teenager my momma always said "family is the most important and sometimes all we have to help us get through or bail us out of things". Of course being a miss know it all I didnt take her seriously. I assumed it was her way of saying she didnt like my friends. I realize now she was right. Moms have that way of always knowing. I can honestly say that one thing I am grateful for this Christmas is our family. They are arriving today to help us celebrate Christmas. My mom has been busy as a bee getting ready she has something to be excited about, something to live for and that makes me happy :)

Are we living or are we existing...?

I feel like my words are just as anything else in the world... empty. I created this blog to help my mother fight against ovarian cancer, yet it seems as though we are the only ones out there with this disease. I recently heard someone say are we living or are we existing... and my answer to this is, I wish I was living life more often, but I've managed to settle into this comfortable routine where I simply just exist in the world. If it were up to me, life would be perfect. But we all know that's not the case. The truth is I'm not proud of just existing. It seems that when I was a teenager, I lived more. Once I entered into adulthood, that youthfulness left me and reality made me conform to just existing. We never know when our time here on earth will end, but one thing in life is certain; death. With each passing day, I realize that I should be a better daughter, mother, and friend. I only wish that my mother could enjoy life more, when she's in treatments all she does is sleep. Luckily, when she's not in treatments, she's all over the place. If only there was a way to make it all go away... maybe since Christmas is around the corner, I should ask Santa to help me out.... just maybe. Wishful thinking if it was really all that easy. For now I'll just have to keep reminding myself "Am I living or am I just existing?"

The search continues...

Trying to track down doctors is not the easiest especially when they are big wigs. I finally tracked down my mom's previous doctor. He was honored as one of the best doctors in america. His work in oncology has been remarkable, always setting the bar for new procedures. I finally tracked him down and am awaiting a phone call from him any day now. I also hunted down the doctor who orinally diagnosed my mother. Dr. Marc is an angel to my mother, who always shows him how grateful she is for saving her life December 25, 2010. Recently she baked him her famous carrot cake, thats my mom's way of making sure he gets his daily intake of veggies and fruits. Not that Dr. Marc cares, he loves her carrot cake. So in a nutshell, she spoils him with food. Both doctors are from USC, and Dr. Burnett actually was Dr. Marc's teacher. Funny how things work out. Now its just a matter of waiting for calls back. For now, the search continues to save my mother's life.

History

Let me start by saying that I started this blog because I want to save my mother's life. I need to save her life. My mother was first diagnosed December 25, 2010. I thank God and Dr. Melnik for saving her life that day. We have been fortunate and very blessed to have had some of the world's best doctors in my opinion. They are part of the reason she is alive today. I admit I'm not the one to show emotion around her. Lord knows my mother and I argue that I should express my feelings, cry, scream, etc when her condition doesn't get better. This coming from a person who doesn't like to show how much she's suffering inside, always the tough attitude. You know what they say like mother like daughter. I am definately my mother's daughter. And Lord knows she will kill me for writing this blog, but I guess I'll deal with it when the time comes or until she finds out about this blog. But the bottom line is that I love my momma. I am I guess like most kids, we take our parents for granted, never give them their due justice, and believe they will always be there for us. I guess yesterday was my final straw. I called my mother to tell her I was coming by to visit and the sound of her voice scared me. I have never heard my mother in so much pain two days after chemotherapy. Her moans of pain gave me a heavy dose of reality. It was time to face the truth that I had been running away from. She's sick and I can't do anything to help. The feeling of helpless didn't sit right in my stomach. I knew I had to do something. I couldn't just sit there and pretend everything will be alright. Not after seeing her the way I did last night. My mother calls it hibernation to get ready for the Christmas party. I call it, something is not right and something needs to be done. Thanks to technology, I googled on my phone all night looking for ideas. Then I remembered my coworker's ex husband has lukemia and got stem cell replacement and it's working. So I thought why not? I researched all night for stem cell research and ovarian cancer. I realized is soooo much being done to help find a way to stop ovarian cancer. And then I thought, could it be possible since I have a similar DNA pattern to my mother, could I give up some of my stem cells to help repair her damaged cells? Yale University has been doing a lot of ground breaking discoveries with stem cells and ovarian cancer. They may have discovered what causes the cancerous cells to massively reproduce and return. Two kinds of proteins produced. The lightbulb went on inside my head, why can't my mother and I be test subjects. If they take that knowledge and stop it, could my stems cells help produce clean and cancerous free cells. I realize there may be more complexities, but the point is, is it possible? Most would say just be there for her, be supportive, that's all you can do. I don't accept that. Granted this may sound crazy, but honestly, what would any of us do? What would you do if your mother was sick and there was no cure? Would you give up? Or would you fight? If there was an opportunity to save her life would you do it? What would any of us do to save our mother's life? The way I look at it is this, my mother has always been there for me. When I went to the Army, she put up yellow ribbons on every tree on our street to show her hope and love for me while I was away. She didn't have to do that. She chose to do that. As I'm choosing to do this for her. As long as there is hope, I will continue to fight alongside my mother until her heart stops beating.

P.S. I will post up the articles I have found so far soon.