my mom

my mom
a picture of my mother first diagnosed in 2000

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I Wish...

I wish I could tell you mom all the things I feel inside... I wish I could tell you how much I love you. How much I wish I could make the pain go away. I wish I could discover the cure to cure you of cancer. I wish I could. Today I had an arguement with grandma because for months I've been telling everyone that my mother is not well. She's not getting better. We need to do something. We need to find options... that wasn't happening until now. I hate hearing your fragile voice on the phone. I hate the fact you don't eat as much and you've gotten sooo skinny. They have you on oxy cotin for the pain and your always sleeping. I can't tell you how a piece of me dies each time I hear you in pain. I promise mom, I will find a way... like I've said before, I will not stop fighting until for your life until your heart stops beating. This I swear. I love you mom. I will find a way. I love you.

Where's the Cure?

Every year I fundraise money to help find all these cures for cancer. So far it has been 9 years and after all the countless money donated and raised still there is no cure. I guess you can say I'm upset because my mother is in the hospital because she has been suffering from pains. Turns out the cancer is lingering in her liver and is not allowing everything to filter as it should. You could say its blocked and they have to create a new pathway. She is now on oxycontin and I fear this to be a cruel indictor thats she's not doing as well she should. God bless her she waits until the end of my night to tell me so I can still enjoy my day. She knows me too well, she knows how this breaks my heart. Jerry found me partially under my bed crying and did his best to give me words of encouragement. My babies tucked me into bed and told me if grandma has an ouchie then we should put a bandaid to make it all feel better. If only it were that simple. My babies got in bed with me because they hate to see me cry. I only look at them and it breaks my heart because someday I'll have to explain to them what this all means. I dont want to tell them all about who thier grandma was, I want them to know her and enjoy her. But yet there is no cure and it makes me loose faith with these organizations. Are they really fighting for us? Or are they taking advantage of us at our vulnerable state? I can't understand how many more lives do we have to sacrafice to find a cure? I know my mom is a tough cookie but it feels like torture seeing someone be slowly have the life in them be drained. Its different when its unexpected because you can't see it happen, where when you foresee it you know one day you will get a call. Thats what I'm dreading... that call. I honestly think I'll end up in a really depressive state. What person wouldn't? My mom is a part of me that would make my heart become an empty room. I can't imagine my life without my mother. She's my world and without her I would only feel lost with no direction. The very idea makes me sick in my stomach. So where's her cure? How can we save her life? Racing isnt going to cure her, but these organizations better be doing something because if not what are we fighting for?