Without her...?

I know God put us on this Earth for a purpose and just as quickly as we come into the world we are taken. When I think about grandparents I picture them being really old, which is why I struggle with death. I cant accept that my mother will die. I wish God would let me be selfish for once and give my mom life for 50 more years. Why is it hard for us to accept death? I spent time with my mother yesterday... it was a good day. She was her usual happy self and it made me happy to see her in good spirits. But driving home on the freeway I began to break down and cry. I hate feeling vulnerable and fragile. It makes me hate the people who have mothers and take them for granted. We simply dont realize how much they are worth. I realized this last night... or should I say it reality hit me hard last night. I realized how I never took the time to get to know my mother. I didnt know who she really is... or goals she wanted to achieve... or the dreams she gave up for us. I didnt know her story. Realizing this hurt because I cant make up for lost time. So here I sit, feeling like the sand is running out because only God knows his plan for us. I hope who ever reads this blog realizes how lucky they are to have thier mom in his or her life. Cherish each moment and stop to think about what life would really be like without her...?

I Wish...

I wish I could tell you mom all the things I feel inside... I wish I could tell you how much I love you. How much I wish I could make the pain go away. I wish I could discover the cure to cure you of cancer. I wish I could. Today I had an arguement with grandma because for months I've been telling everyone that my mother is not well. She's not getting better. We need to do something. We need to find options... that wasn't happening until now. I hate hearing your fragile voice on the phone. I hate the fact you don't eat as much and you've gotten sooo skinny. They have you on oxy cotin for the pain and your always sleeping. I can't tell you how a piece of me dies each time I hear you in pain. I promise mom, I will find a way... like I've said before, I will not stop fighting until for your life until your heart stops beating. This I swear. I love you mom. I will find a way. I love you.

Where's the Cure?

Every year I fundraise money to help find all these cures for cancer. So far it has been 9 years and after all the countless money donated and raised still there is no cure. I guess you can say I'm upset because my mother is in the hospital because she has been suffering from pains. Turns out the cancer is lingering in her liver and is not allowing everything to filter as it should. You could say its blocked and they have to create a new pathway. She is now on oxycontin and I fear this to be a cruel indictor thats she's not doing as well she should. God bless her she waits until the end of my night to tell me so I can still enjoy my day. She knows me too well, she knows how this breaks my heart. Jerry found me partially under my bed crying and did his best to give me words of encouragement. My babies tucked me into bed and told me if grandma has an ouchie then we should put a bandaid to make it all feel better. If only it were that simple. My babies got in bed with me because they hate to see me cry. I only look at them and it breaks my heart because someday I'll have to explain to them what this all means. I dont want to tell them all about who thier grandma was, I want them to know her and enjoy her. But yet there is no cure and it makes me loose faith with these organizations. Are they really fighting for us? Or are they taking advantage of us at our vulnerable state? I can't understand how many more lives do we have to sacrafice to find a cure? I know my mom is a tough cookie but it feels like torture seeing someone be slowly have the life in them be drained. Its different when its unexpected because you can't see it happen, where when you foresee it you know one day you will get a call. Thats what I'm dreading... that call. I honestly think I'll end up in a really depressive state. What person wouldn't? My mom is a part of me that would make my heart become an empty room. I can't imagine my life without my mother. She's my world and without her I would only feel lost with no direction. The very idea makes me sick in my stomach. So where's her cure? How can we save her life? Racing isnt going to cure her, but these organizations better be doing something because if not what are we fighting for?

Something to think about

I told my mom I talked to Dr. Marc. She was happy to hear from him, but also told me not to under estimate her doctor. I get that she has an awesome doctor, who is always on her A game. However, I told her there is nothing wrong with being educated. She says these studies are all talk, which okay some seem that way. But it's still hope that something is being done. I told my mom that we need all the information and education we can get, because that day will come where we will need to look into other options for treatment and when that day comes, I want to be ready. I know she thinks I'm looking or reading too much into this, but how can I not? She's my mother and she's sick. God bless my mom for letting me ramble my ideas with her. I don't know how she puts up with me sometimes, but I'm glad she does. I love you mom just in case your reading this :)
P.S I have decided to go back to my psychologist to learn how to better deal with my mother and her having ovarian cancer. So these posts going forward should become more enlightening and entertaining as I attempt to wrap my head around the many ways to look at this situation. Stay tuned for more fun :)

Phone Tag Part I Completed...

Finally got in touch with Dr. Marc! He's such an amazing doctor. Though he could not give me any new info on treatments, he did offer to look into it and let me know once he asked around. As always, his prayers are with my mother. It's funny how to some doctors you are just another number. But to those who truley care, you are more than just a number. Dr. Marc is a part of our family even though we are not related he has our back. This is why he's always booked and busy. Depsite this, I willingly wait as many hours as I need to, or book in like 2 months in advance to see him. Why you may ask? The answer is simple. There is no other doctor who takes the time to check up to see how we are when he is off duty. He remembers all those small details. To doctor Marc we are not a number we are a life with a story. This is why myself and everyone else who is a patient of his is willing to wait 2 hours to see him and/or book in advance. As crazy as this may seem, good doctors are hard to find. And the best thing about him is that he never forgets where he came from. I have run into him from the Costco food court to the Ralphs supermarket. Costco was a shocker because he's a doctor and he has money. He could afford to eat anything. Instead he opts to eat there. He's also a doctor who loves his job. I personally could not do it, but that's why they pay him the big bucks. :) And he never stops advertising abstinence. He has a sperm sticker on his SUV that says "It only takes one" What can I say, he's Dr. Marc and he's truely one of a kind. My mother and I are grateful that he is in our lives helping in any way he can. Thank you Dr. Marc if you ever read this, my mother and I will never be able to repay the kindness and prayers you have given us. You are definately the best OB/GYN doctor in the world hands down. Most of all, you are truely an angel. Next on my list for phone tag... Dr. Burnette :)

Phone tag

Dr. Marc called me back yesterday! He has good news for me... so lets see if he's the answer to my prayer. As of now, we are still playing phone tag. More to come...

Love is

Love is patient, love is kind, love endures all things, hopes all things, believes all things, love conquers all. I've heard this mainly with romantic relationships, but I think it can be used for all types of relationships. When I think of this common phrase, I think of all the love a mother has for her daughter. Having a daughter of my own, I know how it feels to have your daughter look at you with such amazement. It's the same look I give my mother when she endures chemo. I think about how if that were me going through it, I don't think I would have latest as long as my mother. She has a high pain tolerance, where I do not. I wish at times I was more like her. I admire and cherish all she has taught and given me. This was the first christmas she bought me a present. Usually we don't because its all about the kids, but this year she surprised me. Its those surprises that reassure me her love is always with me. Despite any regrets, love endures a lot. My one regret is always having to be strong in front of her, when I really feel like curling up in a ball in her lap like I did when I was a child. Its the hardest thing not to cry in front of someone. I wish I could cry to her and tell her how much it hurts me to see her in pain. But I cannot, because its what I've been forced to believe by family. A moment of weakness will worry her. I can only believe and hope that at the end love will conquer over ovarian cancer.